i stare at the blinking bar on the white page.
thoughts flourish, rushing quickly through the spaces of my mind.
emotions run wild, not strong enough in their own singularity to overcome the others.
words rise up and fall back down, never lingering long enough to find a friend to stand beside.
it’s not writer’s block, there are far too many poignant utterances that simply don’t suffice.
what do you say to the person who has always known your thoughts?
where words aren’t carefully chosen, and emotions happily hurdle over the need for explanation.
when you know that the unexpected soul-bearing, tears and laughter aren’t generated by the freshly made hard cider infused with lavender.
when the hustling room behind you goes invisible, because in those moments, nothing matters more than what those beautiful starry eyes are saying.
i heard you loud and clear. i saw the nakedness, the bare bones, the scary places that you weren’t ready to share.
i cried with you, because the way you were hurting, it scared me too.
what do you say to a person who was hurting so bad, you didn’t have any other choice?
when you helped the only way you could, and it was the most difficult choice you ever made. how do you explain that to the person who was hurting?
how do you say that you risked losing your most cherished relationship, because the other possibilities were far darker?
that what was done, was to help you find release from the pain, even at the expense of causing my own.
much like the letters and phone calls that you made for others that you loved, i’d hoped that you’d see that, i too, had done this out of love.
but life didn’t just continue on, it rushed on – furiously.
as time and distance grew longer and farther, the subtle hum of sadness remained near.
the reasons, the emotions, the explanations – no longer held the weight that they once did.
no longer held me in tightened grips or bounded beliefs.
the space that was once filled with them, slowly emptied – as i silently suffered and let go, piece by piece.
i searched deep down for answers, for ways to change it or make you listen. listen to the words i had to say, the feelings that were new, the shame that haunted me.
but there was no point. we were too entangled, too empathetic, too connected. saying those things, were futile because you already knew, you felt it too.
we both were hurt. that’s something that can never be undone, i know.
so i sit. staring at the blinking cursor on the blankless page.
knowing that it all has been said, it has been thought, it has been felt. it has been written on pages thrown away in anger. sent with vulnerability. deleted with no return.
knowing that all these thoughts, emotions, words – they are everything and they are nothing. they are here and they are gone. they are impermanent.
they only point back to the truest, most resounding of all things.
the only one thing that remains day-in and day-out, despite whatever comes up. only one thing left to be said.
it does not need a long-winded, reckless email sent beneath teary eyes and quivering lips.
it doesn’t need a full page. a sentence will suffice. only two friends need stand on either side of this simple word.
a word, that is as ever-changing and as far less important as the ones beside it.
i miss you.